...To The Supreme Court Upholding Obamacare

It seems that the Supreme Court is full of anti-business LOSERS! who don't understand that the only people who have the right to exist in this nation of ours are businessmen such as myself and the businesses they own and run!  Let's remember that the Supreme Court is made up of a bunch of welfare queens who get to keep their jobs no matter what happens, so unlike those of us who work in the private sector and consequently have to actually do something to create wealth, they can just do whatever the hell they like and damn the price tag?  Don't those LOSERS! know how much of a drain it is on my bottom line to keep employees healthy?  Not only do I have to chip in for their health insurance, but the longer they live, the more money they expect me to pay them simply because they've stuck around for as long as they have!  If they die, I can just keep replacing them with new hires who'll work for whatever piddling pittance I offer them like the LOSERS! that they are because it's either that or become welfare queens like the LOSERS! of the Supreme Court!  I may have to consider getting back in the race for President so we can get rid of the Supreme Court once and for all!

...To Glenn Beck Ripping Anna Wintour A New One

Well, way to show the world just how much of a LOSER! you are, Glenda!  First you manage to get fired from  the only cable channel that would have you, and then you fail to recognize that nobody wants to hear from a LOSER! like that so you start what's essentially a jumped-up YouTube channel, and then you use that jumped-up YouTube channel to go after one of the most powerful people in the world who doesn't even know you exist!  Granted, Anna Wintour can be supremely stuck up--I once tried to show her my genitals but she wasn't impressed like women are supposed to be when they see the genitals of the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse--but she's someone who could have you killed just because she's Anna frickin' Wintour!  The only way they could make fun of her in The Devil Wears Prada and How To Lose Friends And Alienate People was to make a fictional character loosely inspired by her so she wouldn't have them killed!  When I showed her my genitals, her only reaction was to look at one of her flunkies, jerk her head in my direction, and just sashay away while her flunkies Tasered and pepper-sprayed me and held a really large hunting knife to my genitals and told me that they'd cut it off, saute it with garlic and shallots in a Beaujolais reduction, and make me eat it!  If she can do that to the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse, what makes you think she won't have a LOSER! like you disappeared, Glenda?  You've been having too much Mountain Dew and Cheetos, that's your problem!  Go get a job like the rest of us did!  And no, you can't appear on the next season of The Celebrity Apprentice because it's not for LOSERS! like you!

,,,To George Will Calling Me A Bloviating Ignoramus With A Low IQ

Where the hell does that LOSER! George Will get off thinking he's the smartest guy in the room, anyway?  You know what we call people who wear bow ties and glasses and slick back their hair?  LOSERS!  He thinks he's so awesome because he wrote thirteen books on his own and won a Pulitzer Prize and is celebrated among my fellow conservatives, but he's still a LOSER!  He's only had two wives, for Christ's sake!  I've had four, and am looking for a fifth because that's what winners like me do!  And I've had seventeen books ghostwritten for me, because when you're the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse you can afford to pay people to do stuff for you because that's what winners like me do!  One thing's for damned sure: he's never going to appear on The Celebrity Apprentice even though he has a regular job unlike all the winners that I bless with invitations to appear on it!

...To Mitt Romney's Admission Of Secretly Enjoying Science Fiction

When I endorsed Mitt Romney for President, I thought I had recognized a fellow winner in him what with all the money he'd made by running companies into bankruptcy like I did with my casinos.  Now I see that he's just another LOSER! because only LOSERS! read science fiction!  And only the heir to the throne of the kingdom of LOSERS! says it's a guilty pleasure to do so!  Have you ever heard of any science fiction fan becoming a winner?  No, you haven't because they're all LOSERS!  Oh sure, Star Trek might have inspired most of the fun little gadgets we have today like iPads and Kindles and cellphones and both it and Star Wars have generated untold millions of dollars in revenue, but that doesn't mean George Lucas or Gene Roddenberry or anybody else who likes sci-fi are winners like me!  LOSERS! start companies where they actually know what their company does; winners like me start companies that make money, more money, and nothing but money!

And somebody tell Jeri Ryan that I'm in the market for a new wife after I get bored with the current one!  Gotta love those clingy Seven of Nine catsuits!

...To Time Magazine's Breastfeeding Cover Photo

You want to learn how to turn your son into a LOSER!?  You breastfeed him when he's old enough to get a glass out of the cabinet, a bottle of milk out of the refrigerator, and pour himself a drink!  Actually, only LOSERS! pour their own drinks; wealthy winners such as myself pay people to pour drinks for them!  But even bigger LOSERS! are still being breastfed, and only LOSERS! think it's okay to breastfeed kids for that long!  I wasn't breastfed; my mother used to flog me with a bicycle chain while my father wagged his genitals in my face if I so much as asked for a drink of water, and look how I turned out: the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse!  That kid in the photo, on the other hand, is going to try and marry his own mother because she couldn't learn to just pump her breast milk into a glass for the kid to drink just so she could go out into the private sector and earn profit!

...To The Avengers' $207 Million Opening Weekend

If we ever needed more proof that Joss Whedon and Stan Lee are LOSERS!, this pathetic movie would be that proof.  First off, only $207,000,000?  Why is that take something to be celebrated?  I make that for every single episode of The Celebrity Apprentice, the greatest show that has ever aired or will ever air on TV!  I spent that on cufflinks alone last year because I'm so wealthy and awesome!  Call me when you LOSERS! want to start making real money!

And what the hell is the deal with Tony Stark, anyway?  Why would a rich guy like him be fighting people when he can pay someone to fight instead?  Hell, why not just pay off Loki and the Chitauri to go away and leave Earth alone like the LOSERS! that they are?  Why didn't he make that helicarrier his personal yacht, too?  I could build a helicarrier if I wanted to, turning it into a magnificent gold-plated luxury liner with champagne hot tubs and casinos and a hunting preserve, but that LOSER! Nick Fury wanted to use it to promote socialism and not let Manhattan be urban-renewed with that nuclear missile so I could snatch up the property at a low rate and turn the island into a magnificent playground for the ultra-rich winners I associate with?

And as for Maria Hill and Black Widow, they're LOSERS! because they won't even consider my offer of them becoming my next wives!  They think they're too good for me just because they could kick my ass without smudging their makeup or knocking their hair out of place, but I'd just pay a bunch of guys to kick their asses first!

...To Being Mocked By Obama At The White House Correspondents' Dinner

Where does that LOSER! get off making fun of me, anyway?  First it was that LOSER! Seth Meyers making fun of me last year, and now it's someone who think's he's better than me just because he's President of the United States?  I could be President if I wanted to, but that would mean having to live in government housing and taking a severe pay cut in the form of a government paycheck, all of which would be paid for out of my own pocket with taxation!  Who can live on $400,000 a year, anyway?  And an armored limousine, a helicopter, and a 747 to take me wherever I want to go?  I can get all of that on my own, even though it would result in my 95th declaration of bankruptcy, but I can easily recover from that with another bailout paid for with LOSERS!' life savings.

I got news for you, Obama: just because you took out Osama bin Laden like we Republicans refused to do, aided in the successful overthrow of Khadaffi like we Republicans also refused to participate in, and saw Whitey Bulger finally arrested doesn't mean you can make fun of us job creators!  And yes, butlers, maids, Swiss bank employees, courtesans, fixers, wigmakers, and mistresses are all legitimate jobs for the Ownership Society economy!

...To Karl Rove's "American Crossroads: 'Cool'" Ad Bashing Obama

It goes without saying that Karl Rove is a LOSER!  He's fat, he's balding, he wears glasses, he can't dance, he used to be called "Turd Blossom"...and we Republicans expect him to come up with a decent viral video bashing Obama on the grounds that he's a cool dude?  And this is after he tried to make Obama look like James freakin' Bond 007 in another ad!  If that LOSER! Rove had been working for me or appearing on The Celebrity Apprentice, the greatest TV show to ever air or ever will air, he'd've been fired so fast the ham grease on his LOSER! head would spin!  And on top of that, I'd have sex with his wife right in front of him to show him how much of a LOSER! he really is, but there's always that chance he'd actually enjoy it and try to have a threesome with us...with me in the middle.

To top it off, some other LOSER! managed to spoof it within 24 hours, and it's better than Rove's LOSER! attempt:

How the hell are we Republicans supposed to take back the Confederate States of America if we have to deal with LOSERS! like Karl Rove making the propaganda videos?

...To Derek Jeter Becoming A Tenant In Trump Towers At UN Plaza

Who'd have guessed that one of the best baseball players out there is such a stupid LOSER!?  I managed to get that LOSER! to buy an apartment in my signature building Trump Towers At UN Plaza for $17,950,000...and he didn't even blink!  What kind of LOSER! pays that much for 5400 square feet of living space?  I didn't even pay that much for Mar-A-Lago, because I'm a winner who knows that real estate is an investment!  For the price that LOSER! paid me, he could've gotten a 40,000-square foot mansion in Miami Beach complete with its own swimming pool and boat dock...but instead he decides to get a place about the size of the average suburban LOSER!'s crap-shack home!  Is it any wonder why he wears the number 2 on his jersey?  It's because he's a LOSER! and I'm a winner!  Can't wait until his girlfriend Minka Kelly recognizes this and decides she'd rather be Minka Trump instead of Minka Jeter!

...To The Secret Service Prostitution Scandal In Colombia

I don't see why all those LOSERS! are getting upset that those Secret Service agents were paying prostitutes for sex.  How do you LOSERS! honestly think I got married three times: by being suave and debonair and charming?  Hell no, I flashed the cash, and they came running!  Why else would I have had them sign those prenups that gave me the clothes off their backs once I got bored with them?  All of you LOSERS! praise me for doing stuff like that, so why are you bashing those Secret Service agents for wanting to emulate a winner like me?