...To David Petraeus' Quitting Being The CIA Director Over Cheating On His Wife

This is even more proof positive that David Petraeus is a LOSER!  The first proof was that he chose to work for Obama in the first place.  Quitting his job just because he took his reward as a leader of men is even more proof that he was, is, and always shall be a LOSER!  You think that I, the richest and most awesome man in the quantum multiverse, let something as piss-ant as the adultery laws stand between me and my appetites?  I was cheating on both Ivana and Marla Maples when I was married to them, and I'm cheating on Melania as I type this!  And once I dump Melania for another wife, I'll cheat on her too!  You don't see me resigning from my company over that!  Good riddance to that LOSER!

...To Obama Getting Reelected To A Second Term As President

How can you LOSERS! not vote Mitt Romney into the Oval Office!?  Sure, he was a Zelig-class stiff who came across as more than willing to sell his own grandmother and all of his grandchildren to sex traffickers in exchange for five more electoral votes, but he was a rich man, Goddammit!  Rich men are supposed to run things in this country with impunity, not some upstart who just happened to give the order to hunt down and summarily execute the FBI's #1 Most Wanted for the crime of murdering 3000 Americans on 9/11!  We create jobs by hiring maids and chauffeurs and car elevator operators and prostitutes!

I tell you, it's time for a revolution in this country!  The richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse should be allowed to do as he pleases because he's rich, and not because 50%+1 of the populace said some other guy should run the show!  You're all LOSERS!

...To Mitt Romney Saying That 47% Of Potential Voters Are Government-Dependent Victims

More and more these days I start to think that I should jump back into the race for President because of this LOSER! Mitt Romney.  Of course anybody who doesn't pay income taxes is a government-dependent victim, but we don't go saying this!  Take a look at me: I don't pay any income taxes thanks to creative accounting and the fact that every business I own fails to turn a profit, I can't keep the poors from breaking into my various mansions to steal all my gold and jewels without the police department, and I'm constantly being tormented by LOSERS! like Seth Myers and David Letterman and Jon Stewart!  It'll be a miracle if Mitt Romney wins any state other than Utah at this rate!

,,,To The Republican National Convention Cancelling My Segment Due To Hurricane Isaac

Why the hell do I write you LOSERS! checks if you're not going to put out!?  Just because some storm is bearing down upon you doesn't mean I get bumped!  I am the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse, and what I want I get!  We're trying to defeat Obama here, and you just keep wussing out because of some high-speed winds and a lot of rain!  I can't believe I chose to align myself with LOSERS! like the RNC!

...To RNC Chairman Reince Priebus Cancelling The First Day Of The Republican National Convention In The Face Of Hurricane Isaac

Reince, you LOSER!  By running away with your own teeny-tiny cock up your own ass, you just sent a message to the terrorists that America in general and the future President Mitt Romney in particular are weak and encourage another 9/11!  Granted, all that death and destruction creates jobs for the funeral industry and work for real estate scam artists like myself, but we don't go intentionally instigating it!  At least not when cameras are in the room!  You just gave Obama another term, you LOSER!  I hope you're happy!

...To The Final Medal Count Of The 2012 Summer Olympics

You're probably thinking to yourself that the US won the Olympics by getting 104 medals.  Well, you'd be a LOSER! for thinking that!  That medal count broke down to 46 gold and 29 silver and bronze apiece, which means we had 46 winners and 58 LOSERS!  That's right: second and third place are just fancy words for first and second LOSER!, and we know have people bragging about being crowned LOSERS!  You know why all of my buildings are covered in gold rather than silver or bronze?  Because I'm a winner and gold is a winner metal, while silver and bronze are LOSER! metals and I'm not a LOSER! like the people who got those medals!

And to top it off, there were 256 other gold medals that the other countries won!  What the hell is that about!?  The US should've gotten all the gold medals, but apparently thanks to Obama being in charge we now celebrate being LOSERS!  Those LOSERS! should be flogged and deported for embarrassing the US with their failure!

...To Being Portrayed Negatively In A Campaign Ad For Obama

Have you seen this piece of claptrap?

How dare these LOSERS! suggest that I don't need another $150,000!  Seriously, the more you tax me the less people I employ. Get it?  That means I can't hire any more toadies or flunkies or fair-weather friends or prostitutes or abortionists in case I impregnate the prostitutes or people to shave my genitals or any of the millions of positions we rich people create for you LOSERS! just so you don't have to go begging for handouts anymore, even though you'd much rather do so!  Besides, the poor LOSERS! should be paying all the taxes because it'll motivate them to become winners like me!

...To Chick-Fil-A President & COO Dan Cathy's Recent Comments About Hating Gay People

You know what I call a businessman who intentionally pisses off an entire demographic of potential customers just because he placed his values ahead of his bottom line?  A LOSER!, that's what!  Didn't anybody tell you that the gays have tons upon tons of money that they're just itching to give to people!?  That's why I bought the Miss America pageant (okay, one of the reasons, the other being an annual showcase of potential replacements for my current wife once she turns 35 and I kick her to the curb): to establish a beachhead with the gays so I can sell to them!  And what kind of businessman doesn't have the business open on Sundays?  That's right: a LOSER!  No wonder your VP of public relations killed himself: he couldn't stand working for a great big LOSER! like you and saw no other way out!

I seriously hope they drive you out of business!  Then I can buy it for pennies on the dollar and turn it into Trumptastic Chicken Sandwiches, where the secret sauce is foie gras and the cheese is made from the breast milk of Scandinavian virgins!  And it's served on 24-karat gold plates with fries cooked in dodo fat!  And it'll make me even richer than I am now!  Maybe I'll hire you to mop the floors!

...To Rush Limbaugh Thinking The Dark Knight Rises Is Some Sort Of Bashing Of Mitt Romney

You fat, pillpopping, boy-shtupping LOSER!  How exactly can Mitt Romney be Batman?  Batman drives his own vehicles!

Mitt Romney, on the other hand, doesn't drive himself because wealth creators can hire people to drive them!  Batman, on the other hand, isn't a wealth creator, so that's why he drives his own vehicles!

Also, Batman dates lots and lots of girls, kinda like I do!  Mitt Romney, on the other hand, married the first girl who didn't laugh at him when he asked her out!  What a LOSER!  So if anybody's Batman, it's going to be me, the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse!  Romney doesn't have buildings like Batman does, I do!

...To Being Named "Statesman Of The Year" By The Republican Party Of Sarasota County, Florida

A "statesman!?"  You LOSERS! called me a "statesman!?"  Here's what the comic strip Bloom County said about "statesmen":

After all the capitalism I've engaged in, all the money I've made, all the trophy wives I've gone through like water, these LOSERS! go ahead and call me a "statesman!"  You know, I had some plans to start some businesses in Sarasota County, Florida and create some jobs just to spite Obama, but that's not going to happen now!  No, I'm going to buy up all of Sarasota County, Florida, evict all of you LOSERS! from the place, bulldoze all your crap-shack housing, and turn it into my next luxury gated community Trump Sisyphus-On-The-Glades, where Korbel champagne fountains grace every intersection and the roads are paved with diamonds!  Maybe I'll hire you LOSERS! to be piss boys for all the winners that will be allowed to live there, but that's if you immediately get on your knees, go down on me, and then apologize for calling me a "statesman!"