...To Karl Rove's "American Crossroads: 'Cool'" Ad Bashing Obama

It goes without saying that Karl Rove is a LOSER!  He's fat, he's balding, he wears glasses, he can't dance, he used to be called "Turd Blossom"...and we Republicans expect him to come up with a decent viral video bashing Obama on the grounds that he's a cool dude?  And this is after he tried to make Obama look like James freakin' Bond 007 in another ad!  If that LOSER! Rove had been working for me or appearing on The Celebrity Apprentice, the greatest TV show to ever air or ever will air, he'd've been fired so fast the ham grease on his LOSER! head would spin!  And on top of that, I'd have sex with his wife right in front of him to show him how much of a LOSER! he really is, but there's always that chance he'd actually enjoy it and try to have a threesome with us...with me in the middle.

To top it off, some other LOSER! managed to spoof it within 24 hours, and it's better than Rove's LOSER! attempt:

How the hell are we Republicans supposed to take back the Confederate States of America if we have to deal with LOSERS! like Karl Rove making the propaganda videos?

...To Derek Jeter Becoming A Tenant In Trump Towers At UN Plaza

Who'd have guessed that one of the best baseball players out there is such a stupid LOSER!?  I managed to get that LOSER! to buy an apartment in my signature building Trump Towers At UN Plaza for $17,950,000...and he didn't even blink!  What kind of LOSER! pays that much for 5400 square feet of living space?  I didn't even pay that much for Mar-A-Lago, because I'm a winner who knows that real estate is an investment!  For the price that LOSER! paid me, he could've gotten a 40,000-square foot mansion in Miami Beach complete with its own swimming pool and boat dock...but instead he decides to get a place about the size of the average suburban LOSER!'s crap-shack home!  Is it any wonder why he wears the number 2 on his jersey?  It's because he's a LOSER! and I'm a winner!  Can't wait until his girlfriend Minka Kelly recognizes this and decides she'd rather be Minka Trump instead of Minka Jeter!

...To The Secret Service Prostitution Scandal In Colombia

I don't see why all those LOSERS! are getting upset that those Secret Service agents were paying prostitutes for sex.  How do you LOSERS! honestly think I got married three times: by being suave and debonair and charming?  Hell no, I flashed the cash, and they came running!  Why else would I have had them sign those prenups that gave me the clothes off their backs once I got bored with them?  All of you LOSERS! praise me for doing stuff like that, so why are you bashing those Secret Service agents for wanting to emulate a winner like me?

...To Rick Santorum Dropping Out Of The 2012 Presidential Race

Rick Santorum, you have proven once and for all to the entire nation that you are, have always been, and shall always be a LOSER!  First off, only LOSERS! wear sweater vests.  Ever see me in a sweater vest?  No, because I'm a winner!  Winners wear hand-tailored Armani suits, not sweater vests, and I wear hand-tailored Armani suits.  Second, you kept telling people your exact plans before getting elected; only a LOSER! reveals all of his plans before he gets the job!  Did I tell any of my wives that they'd be getting kicked to the curb shortly after I got bored with them, or that I'd carefully worded the prenups to deny them everything except whatever cheap, ratty sweatsuits they had in the closet when I did so?  No, because I'm a winner!  And why do you only have one wife, anyway?  Sure, Mitt Romney might only have one wife, but at least his religion allows him to have more than one unlike yours.

It's pretty obvious that you've never once spent time in the private sector, for you just didn't have the killer instinct necessary to go through whomever and whatever you have to in order to achieve your goals.  This is why you're a LOSER!  So enjoy your LOSER! life, LOSER!

...To The Paul Ryan Budget

Only a LOSER! who's never once had a real job in the private sector would think this plan has any chance of passing.  Oh, you worked for your family business as a marketing consultant?  My own soft-handed sons and gorgeous daughter worked for me as marketing consultants too, and that's only because I needed a way to turn their trust fund allowances into tax deductions, you LOSER!  "Marketing consultant" is just the term we in the private sector give to anybody we want to give money to for no actual work--and no, that's not the definition of "socialism," either, LOSERS!  Also, why on Earth would you cut the subsidies paid out to the private sector so we can create jobs?  Are you trying to destroy capitalism?  We need those subsidies for our bi-weekly gambling junkets to Macao and Monaco, as well as to bolster the sex tourism industry in the Pacific Rim!  You honestly expected us to pay for that out of our own pockets, you LOSER!?  If the Republicans wind up losing this election and continue all of this international goodwill Obama's been building with stuff like aiding the Libyan rebels, it'll be because of that LOSER! Paul Ryan and his LOSER! budget plan!

...To Gloria Allred And All The LOSERS! Complaining About My Comments To Her On Jenna Talackova

You'd think it would be pretty obvious to all you LOSERS! by now that when you're as rich and as awesome as I am you don't need to learn how to talk to women like they're people like those LOSER! pickup artists would have you believe.  Since money talks, and boy do I have a lot of money, women just fall right in line when I show up and beg to see my genitals; it's why I've had three wives, all of whom are brainless bimbos unlike Gloria, and why I keep dumping them like the LOSERS! they are once I'm done with them for another brainless bimbo.  Why else would I have gotten involved with the Miss Universe beauty pageant when it's become completely obsolete and pointless in the 21st century?  It sure as hell ain't because it's a sound business investment, it's so I can go find my next wife with relative ease without having to drive around looking for those women who whistle at sailors asking "Hey baby, ya wanna go out?"  It's a lesson I hope my soft-handed sons will take to heart, even after I kicked their mothers to the curb with nothing but a demand for alimony even though I was their sugar daddy during the entire marriage.

So again, to all you LOSER! pickup artists out there: being nice to women and sweet-talking them into bed just marks you as a LOSER! because you don't have as much money as I do.  Try getting some money and not spending it on stuff like food and housing; instead spend it on investing in my next real estate project--what, you thought I put up my own money for that?  You never put up your own money in business, you get LOSERS! to do that for you!

...To The Dallas, Texas Tornado Victims

You LOSERS! see nothing but tragedy and disaster in this.  I see a business opportunity that's been a long time coming: to rebuild that LOSER! city into something that's second only in beauty and magnificence and opulence to Atlantic City, the greatest city on Earth!  Now that the tornadoes--which I suspect were sent by Obama to distract everyone from my quest to prove he wasn't born in the United States like I was much in the same way he had Osama bin Laden murdered--have done the necessary demolition work without costing me a dime, I'm announcing my plans for my next real estate venture: the Trump Southfork Oil Ranch Estates gated community!  I'm talking about 23,000-square foot tornado-proof mansions with platinum-plated Greek columns and gold statues of Roy Rogers each sitting on 90 acres of land, each with their own Olympic-size swimming pool full of Cook's champagne, championship golf course seeded with Trumptucky golfing grass, international airport whose runways are paved with jewels, and private hunting grounds filled with the most dangerous game of all: union organizers who keep insisting that the Thirteenth Amendment applies to my employees!  And they'll all surround a light sweet crude oil fountain that also projects a gigantic hologram of my smiling face into the sky!  Get your initial 5% deposit of $24 million in soon to reserve one of these magnificent new homes before they sell out, and you know they'll sell out fast because who doesn't want to live in such magnificence?