,,,To The Republican National Convention Cancelling My Segment Due To Hurricane Isaac

Why the hell do I write you LOSERS! checks if you're not going to put out!?  Just because some storm is bearing down upon you doesn't mean I get bumped!  I am the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse, and what I want I get!  We're trying to defeat Obama here, and you just keep wussing out because of some high-speed winds and a lot of rain!  I can't believe I chose to align myself with LOSERS! like the RNC!

...To RNC Chairman Reince Priebus Cancelling The First Day Of The Republican National Convention In The Face Of Hurricane Isaac

Reince, you LOSER!  By running away with your own teeny-tiny cock up your own ass, you just sent a message to the terrorists that America in general and the future President Mitt Romney in particular are weak and encourage another 9/11!  Granted, all that death and destruction creates jobs for the funeral industry and work for real estate scam artists like myself, but we don't go intentionally instigating it!  At least not when cameras are in the room!  You just gave Obama another term, you LOSER!  I hope you're happy!

...To The Final Medal Count Of The 2012 Summer Olympics

You're probably thinking to yourself that the US won the Olympics by getting 104 medals.  Well, you'd be a LOSER! for thinking that!  That medal count broke down to 46 gold and 29 silver and bronze apiece, which means we had 46 winners and 58 LOSERS!  That's right: second and third place are just fancy words for first and second LOSER!, and we know have people bragging about being crowned LOSERS!  You know why all of my buildings are covered in gold rather than silver or bronze?  Because I'm a winner and gold is a winner metal, while silver and bronze are LOSER! metals and I'm not a LOSER! like the people who got those medals!

And to top it off, there were 256 other gold medals that the other countries won!  What the hell is that about!?  The US should've gotten all the gold medals, but apparently thanks to Obama being in charge we now celebrate being LOSERS!  Those LOSERS! should be flogged and deported for embarrassing the US with their failure!

...To Being Portrayed Negatively In A Campaign Ad For Obama

Have you seen this piece of claptrap?

How dare these LOSERS! suggest that I don't need another $150,000!  Seriously, the more you tax me the less people I employ. Get it?  That means I can't hire any more toadies or flunkies or fair-weather friends or prostitutes or abortionists in case I impregnate the prostitutes or people to shave my genitals or any of the millions of positions we rich people create for you LOSERS! just so you don't have to go begging for handouts anymore, even though you'd much rather do so!  Besides, the poor LOSERS! should be paying all the taxes because it'll motivate them to become winners like me!