...To Chick-Fil-A President & COO Dan Cathy's Recent Comments About Hating Gay People

You know what I call a businessman who intentionally pisses off an entire demographic of potential customers just because he placed his values ahead of his bottom line?  A LOSER!, that's what!  Didn't anybody tell you that the gays have tons upon tons of money that they're just itching to give to people!?  That's why I bought the Miss America pageant (okay, one of the reasons, the other being an annual showcase of potential replacements for my current wife once she turns 35 and I kick her to the curb): to establish a beachhead with the gays so I can sell to them!  And what kind of businessman doesn't have the business open on Sundays?  That's right: a LOSER!  No wonder your VP of public relations killed himself: he couldn't stand working for a great big LOSER! like you and saw no other way out!

I seriously hope they drive you out of business!  Then I can buy it for pennies on the dollar and turn it into Trumptastic Chicken Sandwiches, where the secret sauce is foie gras and the cheese is made from the breast milk of Scandinavian virgins!  And it's served on 24-karat gold plates with fries cooked in dodo fat!  And it'll make me even richer than I am now!  Maybe I'll hire you to mop the floors!

...To Rush Limbaugh Thinking The Dark Knight Rises Is Some Sort Of Bashing Of Mitt Romney

You fat, pillpopping, boy-shtupping LOSER!  How exactly can Mitt Romney be Batman?  Batman drives his own vehicles!

Mitt Romney, on the other hand, doesn't drive himself because wealth creators can hire people to drive them!  Batman, on the other hand, isn't a wealth creator, so that's why he drives his own vehicles!

Also, Batman dates lots and lots of girls, kinda like I do!  Mitt Romney, on the other hand, married the first girl who didn't laugh at him when he asked her out!  What a LOSER!  So if anybody's Batman, it's going to be me, the richest, most awesome man in the quantum multiverse!  Romney doesn't have buildings like Batman does, I do!

...To Being Named "Statesman Of The Year" By The Republican Party Of Sarasota County, Florida

A "statesman!?"  You LOSERS! called me a "statesman!?"  Here's what the comic strip Bloom County said about "statesmen":

After all the capitalism I've engaged in, all the money I've made, all the trophy wives I've gone through like water, these LOSERS! go ahead and call me a "statesman!"  You know, I had some plans to start some businesses in Sarasota County, Florida and create some jobs just to spite Obama, but that's not going to happen now!  No, I'm going to buy up all of Sarasota County, Florida, evict all of you LOSERS! from the place, bulldoze all your crap-shack housing, and turn it into my next luxury gated community Trump Sisyphus-On-The-Glades, where Korbel champagne fountains grace every intersection and the roads are paved with diamonds!  Maybe I'll hire you LOSERS! to be piss boys for all the winners that will be allowed to live there, but that's if you immediately get on your knees, go down on me, and then apologize for calling me a "statesman!"